We are living in Clovis, NM for the time we are in the States.
Prior to moving here we knew one couple, James’ mentor and his wife. They are
roughly the same age as our parents. We also had one friend who told us of some
of his friends who live here and made introduction for us, although we haven’t
gotten to officially meet yet.
We’ve met a few other people since then. Gene is a 72 year
old farmer we met at a garage sale who sells fresh eggs and offered to let the
girls ride a tractor around his farm. We
also met Jay, a young guy who mowed our lawn for us.
We have attended church a few times, we’ve been to countless
meetings at Catherine’s soon-to-be school, we’ve gone to the story time at the library,
and I’ve tried multiple times to enroll the girls in gymnastics (with the hopes
of meeting other moms there).
But I still don’t have a single friend here. As James and I
were talking about my loneliness the other day, I realized something. I am 34
years old and I have never had to make new friends. I have, of course, made new
friends, but I’ve never been in a place where I wasn’t making new friends by
expanding an already existing network of friends.
When I moved to college, my roommate was a friend from high
school. There were a few other people from my high school there too, and some
other friends I already knew from church events. I made new friends, but it was
largely through that initial group of people I already knew or connected with
very quickly.
After college I moved to China and I did make new friends,
but there were already some relationships in place for me to do that. I joined
a team that already existed and those folks became dear friends, but I didn’t
have to go out and find those friends. I attended class and my classmates
became my friends. I played on the university basketball team and they became
my friends too.
Since then, my life has been lived between Oklahoma City and
the same city in China. Both cities feel like home and I have large networks of
friends in both places. If we return to Oklahoma we reconnect with our church,
our family, James’ real estate coworkers, my Catholic Charities coworkers, my college
friends, and many more. If we return to our city in China, we reconnect with
our many friends there and they often give us introduction to other friends.
Again, I have made new friends along the way, but always
alongside existing friends. So this time is different. There aren’t those
existing networks to use, and to be honest I’m learning that I really don’t know
how to make new friends.
The last time I was required to do so, (maybe like at a
summer camp in junior high or high school?) if you clicked nicely with someone
you exchanged address and wrote letters to each other. I don’t think letter writing
is how it’s done anymore, but I’m not sure what to do.
Social media and modern technology add another realm of “I
don’t know how to do this” to the mix. If I meet someone, say, in a Sunday
school class and add them on facebook, am I being weird or stalky? If I meet a
mom at the park and ask for her phone number is that weird? Can I just directly
say, “I’m new here and I don’t have any friends. Would you like to be my
friend?” Or does that sound like I need counseling more than I need a friend?
I also realize James and I are in a weird place of not
having a “job” or something to do that gives us direct, “normal” everyday
contact with people. However, the man we
mentioned above, Gene, did offer James a job mowing lawns with him. J I’m trying to engage
in the times and places where we do connect, but no friendships have been
established yet.
If you have some advice on how to make friends in a new
place, I’ll take it! If you know someone in Clovis you can introduce us to,
that’s even better!
And just an update…I posted a comment in a MOPS facebook
group I joined and a mom invited us to have dinner with their family on Thursday!
Here’s to hoping for my first friend here!
