learning to make new friends

We are living in Clovis, NM for the time we are in the States. Prior to moving here we knew one couple, James’ mentor and his wife. They are roughly the same age as our parents. We also had one friend who told us of some of his friends who live here and made introduction for us, although we haven’t gotten to officially meet yet.

We’ve met a few other people since then. Gene is a 72 year old farmer we met at a garage sale who sells fresh eggs and offered to let the girls ride a tractor around his farm.  We also met Jay, a young guy who mowed our lawn for us.

We have attended church a few times, we’ve been to countless meetings at Catherine’s soon-to-be school, we’ve gone to the story time at the library, and I’ve tried multiple times to enroll the girls in gymnastics (with the hopes of meeting other moms there).

But I still don’t have a single friend here. As James and I were talking about my loneliness the other day, I realized something. I am 34 years old and I have never had to make new friends. I have, of course, made new friends, but I’ve never been in a place where I wasn’t making new friends by expanding an already existing network of friends.

When I moved to college, my roommate was a friend from high school. There were a few other people from my high school there too, and some other friends I already knew from church events. I made new friends, but it was largely through that initial group of people I already knew or connected with very quickly.

After college I moved to China and I did make new friends, but there were already some relationships in place for me to do that. I joined a team that already existed and those folks became dear friends, but I didn’t have to go out and find those friends. I attended class and my classmates became my friends. I played on the university basketball team and they became my friends too.

Since then, my life has been lived between Oklahoma City and the same city in China. Both cities feel like home and I have large networks of friends in both places. If we return to Oklahoma we reconnect with our church, our family, James’ real estate coworkers, my Catholic Charities coworkers, my college friends, and many more. If we return to our city in China, we reconnect with our many friends there and they often give us introduction to other friends.

Again, I have made new friends along the way, but always alongside existing friends. So this time is different. There aren’t those existing networks to use, and to be honest I’m learning that I really don’t know how to make new friends.

The last time I was required to do so, (maybe like at a summer camp in junior high or high school?) if you clicked nicely with someone you exchanged address and wrote letters to each other. I don’t think letter writing is how it’s done anymore, but I’m not sure what to do.

Social media and modern technology add another realm of “I don’t know how to do this” to the mix. If I meet someone, say, in a Sunday school class and add them on facebook, am I being weird or stalky? If I meet a mom at the park and ask for her phone number is that weird? Can I just directly say, “I’m new here and I don’t have any friends. Would you like to be my friend?” Or does that sound like I need counseling more than I need a friend?

I also realize James and I are in a weird place of not having a “job” or something to do that gives us direct, “normal” everyday contact with people.  However, the man we mentioned above, Gene, did offer James a job mowing lawns with him. J I’m trying to engage in the times and places where we do connect, but no friendships have been established yet.

If you have some advice on how to make friends in a new place, I’ll take it! If you know someone in Clovis you can introduce us to, that’s even better!

And just an update…I posted a comment in a MOPS facebook group I joined and a mom invited us to have dinner with their family on Thursday! Here’s to hoping for my first friend here!